A short guide to email opening lines

If an alien were shown the typical first sentences of work emails, what might it conclude? Since so many messages start with the hope that the recipient is well, an extraterrestrial might at first assume that most humans are either recovering from illness or about to take to their sickbeds. But even if it were to realise that this was largely a matter of etiquette, it would miss the nuances of each opening gambit. Until now.

Ostensible meaning: I hope you are well.
Actual meaning: None. It’s just throat-clearing. Do not write back and give the other person a bulletin on your health.

Ostensible meaning: I hope you are well.
Actual meaning: I have not been in touch for a while and am not even sure you are in the same job. Plus I have a vague idea that this formulation makes me sound professional. Either way, I’m still totally uninterested in your health.

Ostensible meaning: I hope you are well.
Actual meaning: We both know this sentence is totally formulaic, so I’m cutting it down to the bare minimum. If time is really pushed, I might say “Hope all OK”, and save myself two characters.

Ostensible meaning: We’ve just been introduced by a third party and I’m pleased to make your acquaintance. 
Actual meaning: No email can substitute for an in-person encounter. Only when we have shaken hands and stared into the whites of each other’s eyes and taken the full measure of each other will we have properly met. I also send e-cards and shop on e-commerce sites and still think of Amazon as an e-tailer. I have clear memories of the 1980s.

Ostensible meaning: We’ve just been introduced by a third party and I’m pleased to make your acquaintance.
Actual meaning: I’m an appalling pedant. I have clear memories of the 1970s.

Ostensible meaning: We’re both well-rounded individuals with fulfilling lives outside work. 
Actual meaning: It’s Monday morning and I cannot be bothered to write “I hope you are well” for the billionth time.

See above, but it’s Monday afternoon.

It’s now Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday.

Guess what? It’s Friday.

See above, but I have no sense of work-life boundaries.

Ostensible meaning: I am respectful of your time.
Actual meaning: I have no idea how email works.

Ostensible meaning: This may look an awful lot like spam but is actually a message from a real person who appreciates how busy you are.
Actual meaning: This may look an awful lot like a message from a real person who values your time but it’s still spam.

Ostensible meaning: You’re busy, I’m busy. Let’s behave like the professionals we are and get right down to business.  
Actual meaning: The expectations of a meaningless first sentence are so deeply embedded that I am going to spend as much time skipping the pleasantries as the pleasantries would have taken.    


Some emails do genuinely avoid the throat-clearing, and plunge straight in. There are several explanations for this. One is that the correspondents involved are in close contact: they know that the other person is well. Another is that the sender has worked out that the typical first sentence really is unnecessary. Another is that the writer dislikes the recipient but knows that putting “I hope you are unwell” would be taking things too far. Which is it? Even humans struggle to work that one out. ■